Talking Meme: Competition Categories The Fall Fair Should Have

[corvi]

Topic suggested by yam . The full topic suggestion, Competition Categories the County Fair Or Whatever It Was Called On Salt Spring Doesn't Currently Have But Which I Would Totally Win, didn't fit in the title box

The Fall Fair is a huge old-timey harvest fair on the island, featuring competitions like "Biggest Maple Leaf",  "Funniest Vegetable Shape" (butt-shaped tomatoes, butt-shaped potatoes, butt-shaped pumpkins...), betting on where cows will poop, judging bouquets of poisonous plants, watching people fail to convince chickens to race, and various cooking, pickling, brewing, and handicraft competitions. Also dancing, fried food, and a huge tent selling forty kinds of pie as a fundraiser. It's pretty great! But obviously it would be even better if there were more competitions I personally was guaranteed to win, such as:

• Inedibly Spicy Pickles
• Best Tiny Velociraptor in An Unconvincing Chicken Costume
• Preserve Or Jelly That Really Shouldn't Have Cardamom In It, But Someone of Poor Judgement Put It In Anyway
• Longest Jump Made By An Origami Frog Folded From A Tax Document
• Photographs of Floating Logs That Look Vaguely Like Seals
• Best Swears To Shout At Deer Eating What They Shouldn't (actually, this would be a pretty difficult competition; I'm not confident even my very best swears would win)
• Stinkiest Chicken
• Baked Good Made From Purple Potatoes That Most Resembles The Flesh Of A Corpse

I have so many unrecognized skills. :)

Comments

[corvi]

(Fall Fair has been canceled this year.)

[beaq]

They say it's about the coronavirus, but you know it's about the competition.

[jkatkina]

I would like the recipe for Baked Good Made From Purple Potatoes That Most Resembles The Flesh Of A Corpse for my yearly hallowe'en meal, if you please. I have made purple potato fries in the past, which look acceptably ghastly, but it's time for something new.

Also cardamom is excellent and should go in everything sweet and I will fight about it.

[twoeleven]

Best Swears To Shout At Deer Eating What They Shouldn't
IMO, the best ones would have an effect on the deer much like the Ark of the Covenant did on the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. In a perfectly humane way, of course, but the special effects are mandatory.

[yam]

Right?!

[ivy]

These are all hilarious and I would go to this fair. Best Swears would be the highlight of my week, though "Folded From A Tax Document" made me laugh the hardest here. (And yeah, I too am often deceived by floating logs. That was totally a head! ...or not.)

[draculard]

I started dying over "inedibly spicy pickles" and I'm still not done dying about how funny this is

[dorchadas]

"Inedibly Spicy Pickles" is both a great folk album name and a fair stand that I would love to buy fermented products from.

[kellan_the_tabby]

"Most Patient Leashcat"

I'd feel like I was cheating tho